He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize