Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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