So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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