Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
