Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
