my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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