I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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