I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
