take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
