Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
