u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize