I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
