i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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