Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
