either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Let's get the cat blown out
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