Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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