she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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