so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize