I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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