Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
