he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
