Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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