he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
All I want is dick and wine.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
