dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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