I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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