u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
