Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize