I faked an abortion last night.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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