someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Too much gin, very little bucket
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
