Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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