My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
