In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
