omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
