i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
