I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
