All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize