Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
