We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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