Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize