i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
