When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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