i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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