Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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