I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize