He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
