im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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