So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
