i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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