i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
