When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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