hell yes lets make some ravioli
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
