Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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