I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The air was thick with penises
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize