My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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