I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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