Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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