get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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