life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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