69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
