really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
