just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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