I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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