I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
