I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize