Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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