I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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